Rat Race

I don't think I'll ruffle any feathers by saying networking is not my cuppa tea. It's such a forced concept in so many industries that gets pushed as important for success. Sure, networking can lead to "success" for some, but what is it actually? People say "it's who you know, not what you know" for a reason and that's scary to me – people put in positions not because of their qualifications, but rather, because they were on someone's speed dial. Sure, there are people with legitimate knowledge and sincere intentions that network, though, I know they're few and far between.

I spent over a decade working in the power industry, jumping between on-site work (during construction and operations) and the corporate office. Working out of trailers with a bunch of gassy old farts wasn't without its challenges, but I've grown to appreciate the what-you-see-is-what-you-get atmosphere that persisted much of the time. Every task is tightly scheduled and there are procedures and instructions all the way through, so there's little room for interpretation.

Meanwhile, step into the office side of things and it feels like the wild west, only with high shine shoes and three pieces suits strutting around. It didn't take long for me to see the real networking in action. People would get hired, stick around for a year or two while working on some superficial project, then jump ship to another place with a better title and a pay bump. I'd observe so many in the office not actually doing work, but playing dress up and talking about who got hired where and who has an in on a position elsewhere. Business cards would be exchanged and they'd talk about where they get their haircut once a week and how it only costs $80.

One of the young guys I worked with had an extensive watch collection to the point he could wear a different $1,000+ watch to work every day of the week. The same guy would have people over to his downtown Toronto shoe box condo for pre-drink food before we'd head out to a bar, and when I asked for a fork to eat the to-go poutine we got, he said he didn't have one. I was aghast. I asked him what he meant and he said he didn't have any cutlery because he always ate out. It's bewildering to me that someone could spend so much time schmoozing with people and spending money on tailored suits but didn't have a single fork to their name.

This was just one example of many insufferable people that slowly drove me insane. I just want to work and do it well, but I'd constantly be bombarded with people trying to touch base, bring others in, run something up the ladder, consultant with so-and-so, et cetera. It's all just a game to make themselves look busy and important, but really they're barriers in the way of people trying to accomplish real work.

Things only got worse as the company grew on an international scale and brought more people in to make big changes. Don't get me wrong – change is good and necessary much of the time when done with careful consideration and planning. What I experienced, instead, was people proposing sweeping changes without understanding a lick about the established environment or what those in the workflow would want to see change. Feeding someone shit and proceeding to say it's good for them became a regular occurrence.

Eventually, I outlined the need for a particular role which would help homogenize what was quickly becoming fragmented. I brought a thoughtfully detailed document to my boss, highlighting that this was a position which should've existed years ago and the long-term benefits it would afford the company should it be realized. Of course, the skill set and experience for this position were already things I had been doing for years, just on departmental basis rather than pan-company. I was told we'd come back to the idea the following year if I kept doing good work – a frustrating thing to hear in reaction to something I felt was urgent, but at least it wasn't a "no".

Fast forward no more than three months the position was brought to fruition and given to someone else behind my back. This person was inexperienced and under-qualified for this role – I know this because they previously had reported directly to me and often had trouble following basic localized processes, and now, they would be in charge of implementing multi-departmental ones. The very document I created to outline this role and its responsibilities was used to promote this other person and I wasn't even involved or asked what I thought.

I had already been contemplating an exit for a while, but at this moment, I realized doing good work for over a decade was meaningless at that place. The golden ticket was to talk behind peoples' backs and write cheques you couldn't cash, so to speak. I gave my two weeks notice and felt an anvil lift off my chest.

I doomed myself by thinking it would be different

I had been testing the waters of streaming for quite some time before I would go at it full-time. The transition, in my particular situation, was quite easy. I decided to keep the same 9-5 hours from my old job and follow that with my stream as my body and mind had years of muscle memory with that routine. I also figured it would be advantageous to have a morning stream as most of the others I streamed with did so in the evening, which meant I wouldn't be stepping on their toes and could have a better viewership with less competition.

Things were going really well for the first year. I had brought an unrelenting energy with me once I escaped the corporate world but also had well over a decade of real world work experience under my belt. I started implementing some decent production value to the stream despite my relatively small viewership and people started to notice, including other streamers.

I don't want to sound selfish or obnoxious, but it started to take the wind out of my sails when the things I came up with or did out of genuine interest and joy would be blindly copied by others because they noticed I had some semblance of success. Yes, I was happy the things I was doing different were paying off, but I think that's largely because you could tell what I was doing was sincere. Call me old-fashioned, but I'm not a fan of people doing something because they think it'll bring them success while not understanding or caring about the actual thing they're doing.

Again, I have no right to streaming during a particular chunk of time devoid of other streamers, but to see everyone in my circle go from evening streamers to morning didn't feel great. Some moving their stream to start 30 minutes before I would go live felt like a punch to the gut. I've always tried to be mindful of those close to me and how my actions effect them, so to not see the same consideration in return reminded me that everyone is just in it for themselves.

I had the idea at one point to connect with an artist to help come up with a design language for the stream. I know it sounds like corporate crap, but really, I just enjoy consistency and knowing when I need to make a graphic what fonts and colours to use. Part of this process, though, was to come up with a nice animated overlay for the start and end of the stream, which you can see a still of below.

Now, at the time I was flattered, but it didn't take long for me to shift to resentful when a couple streamer friends really liked this animated scene and asked me who did it for me. They would then reach out and have their own versions created, which really irked me when once I saw them. I was happy to bring more work the artist's way, but I had spent a lot of time with said artist discussing how to style things in a way that would fit the particular feel I was going for. To see that so quickly modified and used by others didn't feel great. This is an overly dramatic thing to say, but it felt like a small version of identity theft. Get your own dang style!

Sharing my feelings

One of my issues is that I can be stubbornly set on being a team player in a sea of people willing to use my face as a stepping stone for their own personal gain. I've slowly been learning to tell people "no" and let them know how I perceive their words and actions. In hindsight, I should've been upfront about wanting to keep my stream aesthetic to myself, as selfish as that may sound.

The real difficulty, at this point, is finding that balance of when to collaborate and who to do so with. Every industry is full of clout chasers and content creation is near the top, if not king of the hill. It's difficult, because in this industry, people tend to be good at socializing and that means they're often decent at telling you what you want to hear. In content creation, there's a dynamic of little streamer using big streamer for exposure and big streamer exploiting little streamer's time and effort. In some situations, I'm the bigger streamer and I have to ask myself whether the little streamer is sincere or scheming. Other times, I'm the little guy and I wonder if I'm just shovelling coal into their engine for them.

I'm personally part of a weird parasocial phenomenon that's slowly been driving me insane over the past few years. One of my best friends, who you more than likely know as Northernlion, is a big streamer. To many that know him, he's a god on another plane of existence. To me, he's the guy that puked in my kitchen sink one too many times. I've been making content with him for years, simply put, because we're friends. I've been doing it since he was a small potato on YouTube and have continued to do so while he has 10,000+ live viewers on Twitch.

The weird parasocial phenomenon I speak of is when I see his live chat while we stream together. I'll see comments from people along the lines of "I love malf" and "malf is so funny today" and so forth – I'll even notice the same people routinely praising my presence. And yet, I never see 95% of them venture to my stream, even though I'm live several hours earlier. It's a tough thing to try and be your funny and joyful self when everyone except you is benefiting from it. Every so often someone will wander into my chat to say something along the lines of "hey, malf, been enjoying you through Northernlion for nearly a decade and figured I should finally say hello!" Knowing you've helped prop someone else up for that long without seeing growth for yourself is a harsh feeling.

The sad reality

I love playing games and hanging with my friends, but the reality is, I do this for a living too and my time isn't charity. I know this post has heavy "woe is me" vibes, and I promise not all posts will be like this, but these are things I need to get out of my head. I also recognize that these frustrations of mine are based purely on my perception and are not absolute truths. Hell, I'm sure much of what I've rambled on about here will be viewed as hypocritical to some and I apologize if that's the case.

At the end of the day, I'm not a fan of competition and would rather be in a space where we work together for the greater good. Sadly, the greater good isn't compatible with capitalism.